Thermometer Blues

I fired my thermometer and refused to extend fertility friend’s contract.

I had this BD thermometer. I got it because it measured to the tens place. It didnt say “basal” on it, but whatever. I’m cool. I’m not gonna slave over some thermometer, right? It also took my temperature fast and had a flexible tip. But, then it was hard to get it to show me the last temperature and I accidentally changed it to Celsius and couldnt get it back to Farenheit and couldnt find the directions to figure out how. Probably because I threw them away. I mean, it’s a thermometer fer chrissake. But then, when I went to the website, it didnt say “basal” and it said I should use it orally, rectally and via armpit, so I was just like, fuck it, let’s get a new thermometer.

Mostly because my health savings account debit card has 750 bucks on it and I’m only going to be using 500 bucks for sperm, so I need to, like, stock up on digital things.

So I thought basal was code for “vaginal”. So I went out and got this, like, RiteAid thermometer that had the word basal on it and meaured to the hundreds place. Plus, it was purple-colored so, surely, I was on the right track. But I opened it up and those directions say butt, mouth and axillary — that’s the clinical term for “by armpit”. So, now, I’m like, can’t anyone say “VAGINALLY” ? Or is it some crazy lesbian myth that you take your temperature vaginally? Also, basal is not code for cooch. Basal means, like, your temperature after five hours of sleep. I mean, I knew that, but for some reason I just also though it meant vaginal at the same time that it meant the other thing.

Finally, with the purple thermometer, it doesnt have that nice thick kind of rubber. More like that hard plastic, which, being purple, reminds me of a cheap vibrator.

Then, I quit FF. When I first realized you could buy, like, a VIP Fertility Fr!end chart I was like, “So fun!” First I had a wedding website I could pay for and now I get a conception website that I can pay for! The internet has website for all my womanly needs!

But then I was like, I dont need FF, I need a piece of graph paper and a pencil. Seriously.

All this to say, tomorrow is cycle day ten of my perfect and sweet 28 day cycle. I will start my OPKs tomorrow, around two in the afternoon. After drinking not very much of anything. And I will do it digitally.

I mean, at least you know what axillary means now.

Don’t you think my HSA should pay for FF?

The Flip Flop Dream

Last night I had a dream that Wifebian was spending lots of money outside of our budget, planned to take a vacation without me and then, on the morning she was supposed to leave, asked if she could sleep with other people while she was gone. I think she was going to Puerto Rico. One of the things she bought in the dream was a pair of flowery flip flops. I threw them into oncoming traffic. That was a highlight of the dream. A very Mrs. Basement thing to do.

When we woke up and I told her about it, she took the opportunity to emphasize that it would appear that I do not want an open marriage, which was a funny little coup on her part because, when we got together, I was a big booster of non-monogamy. Then, she told me that she dreamed that a hyena bit her cooch and that her belly was too big to zip up her pants.

It was busy in the basement bed last night.

In other basement bed news, two days ago, an electrician came to the house to fix loose outlets. After we left for work, Wifebian’s mother came into our room and made our bed in preparation for the electrician. This is not the first time she has done something like this in preparation for visitors, usually the maids. It kind of enrages me that she touched the bed.

I mean, really? Do I deserve not one shred of dignity or respect? I  swear to heaven above I am going to put a bottle of lube in the unmade bed the next time the maids are scheduled to come. This would be another very Mrs. Basement thing to do.