Lots of Highs, Few Loops

March 15, 2010

After four days of inseminations with pharmacy lubricant, a plastic speculum, a wonky celsius thermometer — and oh, yeah, sperm — I am emerging from the liquid nitrogen fog feeling like I’ve been to another gynecological planet.

Highlights:

  • Mr. Human orAnimal?
  • perfect tank arrival timing
  • bonus speculum
  • *four* inseminations
  • seeing my awesome and perfect cervix
  • happening upon the website “Beautiful Cervix Project
  • Wifebian stating, thick with sarcasm while batting her eyelashes, that any thought she every had of being trans had totally evaporated, after I complained that she wasn’t making me feel beautiful and encouraged her to start embracing this womanly experience
  • The last night, when I yelled at her 5-year-old-style that I wasnt having fun anymore! and she pushed me onto the bed while holding the syringe
  • Calling the bed “insemination station”, rather than bed
  • Receiving the email highlighted in the previous post
  • Wifebian being totally with me, physically, mentally and emotionally through a whole cycle for the first time

Lowlights:

  • four inseminations of only 1 cc each
  • very unattractive cervical mucous
  • pinching my vaginal wall with the speculum and that sickening thud when you pop it into place
  • being wholly unable to detect any convincing temperature spike with my wonk-mo-meter
  • no noticeable improvements in cervical mucous despite primrose oil, water and limited caffeine

So now, I’m really all into the words we are making up for this . . . process. Fuck those dumb acronyms. Do you guys have any lesbian conceptionisms of which you are especially proud?

OPERATION PREGNANCY

March 6, 2010

Week 1 Report.

Evening Primrose Oil= 7 days

Prenatal Vitamins = 7 days

Irritating Emails from the Sperm Shop = 3

Decaf Coffee = 3 days

Regular Coffee = 2 days

No coffee = 2 days

Water = 34 ounces per day

Robitussin = 0 oz.

Temps = 0 days

CR, CM and DM

February 18, 2010

So I was a women’s studies major in college and I was all into post modern stuff and structuralism and post structuralism standpoint theory and third wave; Yeah, I was real third wave.

Which means I wasn’t second wave. I didnt do things like buy Georgia O’Keefe prints or, like, learn about the cycles of the moon, or study matriarchal societies or look at my cervix. I also had no desire to work with children and I thought CR groups were hokie.

Anyway, with this whole getting pregnant thing. I’m on my back trying to channel your average obgyn during the bimanual exam and I believe I have now palpated my own uterus. I always knew that my ute was a little askew, but dude, my cervix is *way* off. Granted, I have scoliosis, so I’m sure everything is way off, but still. I was pretty surprised.

Also, about that cervical mucous problem I think I have, a quick review of the internets reveals that to improve cervical mucous I should:

1.) drink lots of water

2.) take evening primrose oil and robitussin (not DM) during cycle days 1-14

3.) avoid caffeine and dairy

But really, I mean, can’t I just, like, crack an egg and dab some around down there? The sperm man said the sperms come in a egg-type base and everybody’s running around comparing perfect cervical mucous to egg whites, so I’m just saying . . . who wants to choke down two tablespoons of Robitussin for 14 days?

Oh wait, I do.

New Shopping List for Try #3:

1.) Robitussin

2.) speculum (can’t find mine/ havent looked)

3.) prenatal vitamins (ran out)

4.) evening primrose oil pills

5.) a pallet of bottled water

6.) Taking Charge of Your Fertility (on hold at the library)

If only I didnt live across the street from a Starbucks, I’d be golden.