The Star of the Show

May 7, 2010

Welcome to my perfect, empty uterus. Behold the fallopian tubes, the Champs Elysees of fallopian tubes, they are so free and clear. This is it. My never-before-seen reproductive tract. HSG complete, diagnosis: awesome. The relief, but mostly the picture, are well worth 425.00 bucks.

Dr. Hugs even told me a story about his soccer-playing, MIT-graduating daughter who got a concussion, asked for hardcopies of her MRI and made a collage. All of his references to our hugging problem were appropriate and appropriately timed.

And he was fast. Super fast.

In and out, as the saying goes.

Ordered sperms yesterday. Ultrasound and trigger Monday.


Combustable Hugs

May 4, 2010

The Good

— in order to get to the fertility clinic from my job, I have to walk across the parking lot

— after being told no, then yes, then no, then maybe, the clinic has confirmed that they are not only able to unfreeze, then wash, then inseminate me with my sperm of choice, but also willing to do so

— if my insurance doesnt cover it, the HSG will only be $450.00 out of pocket

— the clinic only needs 1 cc of sperm, so we will save $250.00 on sperm this month and use the extra money for things like washing ($25.00), triggering ($100.00) and inseminating ($125.00).

— the clinic has very reasonable out-of-pocket prices

The Bad

— They scheduled my initial appointment with a doctor who doesnt do infertility, even though I told them I wanted to talk about fertility treatments, and that set me back one week until I could meet with the right doctor, making me ineligible for Clomid this cycle

–I become very judgmental, oppositional and rude around men who make more money than me, doctors, for-profit human services organizations and health insurance company representatives. So being in a fertility clinic really does a number on my home training

The Ugly

— The doctor will be vacationing in the Carribean next week and will not be able to do my IUI

— The doctor is a “hugger”

I know this because he told me as he was about to hug me. I told him I was not a hugger, interrupting his advance. I engaged in some edgy banter about how I needed to develop a relationship with someone before I hugged them and that maybe if he was gonna be around for my IUI that coulda happened, but he wasnt.

He rolled with the punches and reminded me that we still had the HSG procedure over which to bond in four days. I told him handshakes were fine and complimented him on his handshake. He proceeded to identify and demonstrate alternative ways he could express himself, gingerly placing an open, flat hand on the top of my shoulder or and bending at the waist to feign the exchange of air kisses. I finally worked my way out of the room and once I got in front of him, he proceeded to put his hand on the back of my neck and keep it there as he steered to me the exit. I was so livid, I’m surprised his hand did not spontaneously combust.

Point being, this man will be between my legs on Thursday and he better not say a fucking word about hugging.


I have a $500.00 deductible, so the HSG will be out of pocket. Should we do it? No credit cards involved, just payment plan.

One Step Ahead

April 8, 2010

The sperms for try #4 were received by Wifebian this morning. They were not delivered to the wrong location and the gay sperm man didnt forget to give us the combination to the tank. These must be signs.

Except that Operation Pregnancy has turned into “outpatient-surgery-with-local anesthetic” pregnancy. No water, no evening primrose, no temping, lots of milk, coffee and a few alcoholic drinks for good measure. This is consistent with my general nature — erratic, unpredictable bursts of effort saturated with resentment and ambivalence. It’s just that last month every cup of coffee felt like an abortion and that made me angry, so whatev. If this baby can’t handle a few cups of coffee, it has no business being in my house.

That being said, I have an appointment on the 23rd at some fertility spot. We are considering a hail-mary IUI in May — the month the money runs out. Getting an IUI would require a sonogram, some bloodwork and a test of my fallopian tubes to confirm that they are clear, AKA an HSG. According to a phone conversation I had with an insurance rep when they were refusing to pay for something else entirely, the company pays for diagnostics related to infertility if there are “signs and sympotoms” of infertility, but not treatments. Of course, I dont know what Anthem considers to be a” sign” or “symptom” of infertility. When I called them, they would only tell me that it depends on what the doctor says. So, I don’t know if there are any lesbian clauses in there when it comes to “signs and symptoms”. For example,  “We dont need to pay for a sonogram to tell you that fucking a chick isnt going to make a baby.” But I’m not gonna lie about the chick thing so, whatevs.

Finally, an IUI in May would require a change of donor. There are only two donors at the gay sperm shop who are IUI ready and ours isnt one of them. Can you make non-IUI sperm be IUI? If not, of the two who are, the one who has knocked up some ladies describes himself as a “scientist for the government”. Another way of putting that might be, “Using my sperm puts your offspring at high risk of autism spectrum difficulties affecting every realm of intrapsychic, interpersonal, vocational and social life. He is also educated, employed, landed, bisexual, tall, brown-haired, blue-eyed, non-smoking, non-drinking and from NYC. So, we will trade autism risk for smarts, gayness, health, good coloring and some regional flair. You have to remember that using sperm from this shop means that we will actually end up knowing the donor in some way. I wouldnt mind adding a New Yorker to my repertoire.

So let’s email the sperm shop and find out our new donor’s sperm stats, shall we?