100 Bullets

March 27, 2010

  • I might go to Charleston tomorrow
  • I don’t like light beer, but I’m drinking it
  • I’m not pregnant
  • I’m really excited to find a job in Baltimore that is funded by the NHSC
  • Sometimes I wish I hadnt given this url to my friends; the only people I know how to be vulnerable around are strangers
  • I sailed through this two week wait like nothing; Wifebian took the hit this time, be it briefly and within normal limits
  • I feel like I am wildly out of touch with everything and everyone that is important to me
  • I had this really daunting encounter with some ethical shit this week at work and didnt live up to the version of myself I have in my head
  • In the past year, I have developed the most disheartening array of aches and pains in my knuckles, knees and hips
  • I miss going to Quaker Meeting
  • I don’t know if I am cut out for this whole wanting-something-I-don’t-have deal
  • I spent my tax return on Wifebian’s sister’s baby shower, my credit card, car insurance, a haircut (next Friday) and a side view mirror. And a shirt from Target
  • The management company is coming next Friday to fix the drain in the tub
  • Wifebian’s sister tagged me in a photo of her 4D sonograms
  • I wanted to untag myself from it, because at the end of the day, the thing is just creepy
  • Then I realized she only tagged her husband, mom, dad, sisters and dead brother in the photo, so I couldnt bail gracefully
  • The Wellbutrin is officially not working
  • I have started taking pictures of old or interesting signs with names or initials on them, as well as tractor trailers and utility vans with names or initials on them
  • Of the things I have accomplished since moving into this southern most basement of my soul, I am most proud of this blog
  • Another southernism, this time to describe a person of slight stature: as big as a minute.
  • Last Monday, I cleaned the house and it has stayed clean; I must not be that depressed
  • I still havent returned the sperm tank. Gay sperm man would like me to do that
  • This is bullet 23
  • I think my nose is getting bigger. And that a ridge is developing down the middle of it.
  • I am not attending Wifebian’s sister’s baby shower this weekend. Because it is the fourth of four and I have already attended two
  • If I don’t get pregnant, I wish I could become one of those fabulous childless-by-choice people, but Wifebian would rather die
  • When I was 20, I read Molly Peacock’s Paradise, Piece by Piece
  • My biological mother’s uncle sent me a Facebook message last week saying, “Hi Mrs. Basement, Just wanted to say hello, and that you were on my mind. Sorry I shut down on you but there was a lot going on for me and my head wasn’t into the 99 question thing. I would like to be able to keep in touch with you and thru time, share some things with you. It was all happening a bit too quickly for me, so what I did was shut down on you, and for that I’m sorry, it’s a coping skill I have. So with all that said, I just wanted to say Hi, J. and I and another couple are going away for a well deserved long weekend. won’t be aound until next week…Take care, J
  • I said, “Thanks for that.”
  • The boys who live upstairs just came home, with their girls and their voices
  • I think the reason the two week wait was such a breeze was not so much because I was off the internet, because I wasnt, but because I wasn’t temping, wasnt then entering my temperature onto FF and wasnt then blogging about how I felt about the temperatures
  • Split though my ends may be, my hair still looks great
  • The next ten bullets will be positive and about positive things
  • On Tuesday, my supervisor’s hair looked great
  • If I get pregnant, this apartment will make a fantastic nest
  • I am so proud that my car is tidy
  • Wifebian let me hide her credit card!
  • I just bought a pack of my favorite pens
  • All of my mileage and reimbursements are up-to-date in the system at work and I think I will make productivity this month, too — for the first time!
  • My second boyfriend’s mother just started messaging me through Facebook. This is positive because I love her
  • Today, a coworker sent me a Facebook message saying, “I like your profile pic. They never really have very much personality. Yours does.” And I quite agree with her
  • I am now dishing with my ex-boyfriend’s mother about the fertility problems he is having with his wife. This is positive because it is ridiculous
  • I didnt make it to ten positive things or even fifty bullets
  • But I did have two light beers
  • And it is 1:00AM
  • Congratulations, President Obama
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Other People’s Children

March 17, 2010

One thermometer says 97.1 and the other says 97.7, confirming once and for all that something is messed up somewhere and that I have been robbed of the satisfaction of seeing a temperature spike even though I surely had one and therefore I am just kind of in the dark until the 28th of March. Just when I was starting to think that conducting a perfect cycle was an accomplishment within my reach . . .

Surci apparently means — you guessed it — souvenir. And it sounds a lot like Xerxes, a name one of my friends wouldve given to her kid if it hadnt been a girl.

Isn’t that nutty? (The translation, not the name.)

OK. Off to worry about other people’s children . . .

Lots of Highs, Few Loops

March 15, 2010

After four days of inseminations with pharmacy lubricant, a plastic speculum, a wonky celsius thermometer — and oh, yeah, sperm — I am emerging from the liquid nitrogen fog feeling like I’ve been to another gynecological planet.

Highlights:

  • Mr. Human orAnimal?
  • perfect tank arrival timing
  • bonus speculum
  • *four* inseminations
  • seeing my awesome and perfect cervix
  • happening upon the website “Beautiful Cervix Project
  • Wifebian stating, thick with sarcasm while batting her eyelashes, that any thought she every had of being trans had totally evaporated, after I complained that she wasn’t making me feel beautiful and encouraged her to start embracing this womanly experience
  • The last night, when I yelled at her 5-year-old-style that I wasnt having fun anymore! and she pushed me onto the bed while holding the syringe
  • Calling the bed “insemination station”, rather than bed
  • Receiving the email highlighted in the previous post
  • Wifebian being totally with me, physically, mentally and emotionally through a whole cycle for the first time

Lowlights:

  • four inseminations of only 1 cc each
  • very unattractive cervical mucous
  • pinching my vaginal wall with the speculum and that sickening thud when you pop it into place
  • being wholly unable to detect any convincing temperature spike with my wonk-mo-meter
  • no noticeable improvements in cervical mucous despite primrose oil, water and limited caffeine

So now, I’m really all into the words we are making up for this . . . process. Fuck those dumb acronyms. Do you guys have any lesbian conceptionisms of which you are especially proud?