Thermometer Blues

October 22, 2009

I fired my thermometer and refused to extend fertility friend’s contract.

I had this BD thermometer. I got it because it measured to the tens place. It didnt say “basal” on it, but whatever. I’m cool. I’m not gonna slave over some thermometer, right? It also took my temperature fast and had a flexible tip. But, then it was hard to get it to show me the last temperature and I accidentally changed it to Celsius and couldnt get it back to Farenheit and couldnt find the directions to figure out how. Probably because I threw them away. I mean, it’s a thermometer fer chrissake. But then, when I went to the website, it didnt say “basal” and it said I should use it orally, rectally and via armpit, so I was just like, fuck it, let’s get a new thermometer.

Mostly because my health savings account debit card has 750 bucks on it and I’m only going to be using 500 bucks for sperm, so I need to, like, stock up on digital things.

So I thought basal was code for “vaginal”. So I went out and got this, like, RiteAid thermometer that had the word basal on it and meaured to the hundreds place. Plus, it was purple-colored so, surely, I was on the right track. But I opened it up and those directions say butt, mouth and axillary — that’s the clinical term for “by armpit”. So, now, I’m like, can’t anyone say “VAGINALLY” ? Or is it some crazy lesbian myth that you take your temperature vaginally? Also, basal is not code for cooch. Basal means, like, your temperature after five hours of sleep. I mean, I knew that, but for some reason I just also though it meant vaginal at the same time that it meant the other thing.

Finally, with the purple thermometer, it doesnt have that nice thick kind of rubber. More like that hard plastic, which, being purple, reminds me of a cheap vibrator.

Then, I quit FF. When I first realized you could buy, like, a VIP Fertility Fr!end chart I was like, “So fun!” First I had a wedding website I could pay for and now I get a conception website that I can pay for! The internet has website for all my womanly needs!

But then I was like, I dont need FF, I need a piece of graph paper and a pencil. Seriously.

All this to say, tomorrow is cycle day ten of my perfect and sweet 28 day cycle. I will start my OPKs tomorrow, around two in the afternoon. After drinking not very much of anything. And I will do it digitally.

I mean, at least you know what axillary means now.

Don’t you think my HSA should pay for FF?

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3 Responses to “Thermometer Blues”

  1. LPC said

    Wishing you luck. Sometimes only minimal technology is required.

  2. Heather said

    Yeah, I’ve heard some do vaginally but first thing in the morning the last thing I want to do is rip my clothing open, plus once you’ve done all that moving around you’ve increased your temperature by at least a few degrees. My lovely wife sets the alarm, turns it off and pops it in my mouth. I get to lie there until it beeps. Sounds posh and relaxed but I don’t really enjoy it and it means out thermometer is covered in bite marks!

    We have also paid for FF but mainly use the free options because there’s hardly any difference. It does still track for you, there are still charts, they just don’t predict fertile days and to get the overlay charts you need to do an extra step or two. Really not worth the extra cost in our opinion.

    Good Luck! Technology isn’t everything!

  3. thebao said

    I have the same BD thermometer–a basic one, not a bbt one–and I can’t tell if it’s really that helpful (one morning it read 96 on one side and 97.2 on the other). If you need directions for it, I still have mine at home–just e-mail me if you do.
    Temping vaginally is fine; the thermometer doesn’t have to list it explicitly. The one thing is that vaginal temps will be slightly higher than oral temps, so you have to do either one orifice or the other for the whole cycle, not switch back and forth.
    Have you read Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler? I found it to be much more understandable and helpful than fertility friend’s little training tutorials. (I will probably not purchase the VIP upgrade, btw.)
    Good luck!

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