Walking Around and Around It

November 30, 2010

It is rainy here today. Tonight I am going over to Green’s house, just me and him. And Borderline is coming to our house, just her and Wifebian. Borderline needs a new name. She has stepped up in very promising ways — gratitude, apologies, honesty. I officially rescind her pejorative blog name. In the meantime, Wifebian and I havent been able to figure out why we call Green “him”, in some ways it’s a standard convention for us when talking about a butch femme couple just because it decreases the confusion about which she we are talking about. But, it turns out that Green wants to transition, in that quiet, frustrated, scared way that 25 year olds sometimes want to transition, so calling him “him” fits and feels good. On the other hand, he says I bring out the girl in him. I wonder if he means boy and just doesnt know it yet.

Some time in my early twenties, I started a very specific diary. I only wrote in it in when I was getting into a new relationship — sexual and/or romantic — with a masculine woman. I would only write once, one entry per girl. And I would labor over describing that person’s physical embodiment, what they brought out in me, what the sex was like, and what the future might hold. I was, and continue to be, so desperate, or desirous, of putting my finger on this amazing thing that happens between our kinds. It’s time for a new entry in that little green book.

The past two weeks of my life have been dominated by the discussions and small acts that must usher in the opening of my marriage. This dinner, that agreement, this date, that fantasy. Lists, texts, cards. As soon as I have the time and the internet connection to sit down and write to you, something changes, some new dynamic is revealed, some boundary– visible and invisible — crossed, pleasure enjoyed. Without the time and space to reflect on my own, without support, from friends or family, or a community, I’m definitely starting to feel weary. Like it’s just my head and Wifebian’s head, my libido and her libido, doing all the work, shouldering the burden of manifesting another tender pocket of pleasure in a world stitched through with attachment, jealousy, possession and fear. But this is exactly how I want to live my life. These are the fights I want to fight about the most. This is my favorite kind of pleasure. Fostering relationships, especially once so rife with sex and emotion, is a creative act for me, like writing. I wish I could put our relationships with this couple and the people in it on a pedestal in a gallery and walk around and around it, admiring.

So Green is a boy and Borderline needs a new name. I am exhausted but fulfilled. How is Wifebian? How are we?

Wifebian is listing from side to side, one moment foot loose and fancy free with the boundaries, the next moment clingy and angry that I am five minutes late. One moment all generous and powerful, the next needful, controlling. We have not had sex, together or separately, with Borderline and Green. Maybe next month. But, today I helped her pick out an Adrienne Rich poem for Borderline. And Wifebian and I have decided which kind of sex we will have when we get home from our dates. We are proud of ourselves.

Borderline has a daydream in which we all rent a cabin and go skiing. None of us ski, but we all talk about the cabin, mostly to tease Borderline. But I like her cabin. It’s some utopian place where we all trust one another unconditionally and enjoy one another’s company freely. Sweetly, that’s all the cabin means, for now.

From now on, posts about this stuff will be password protected. Send an email to mrsbasement@yahoo.com for the password; it’s going to be the same as before.

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7 Responses to “Walking Around and Around It”

  1. This is beautiful writing and sounds like a wonderful journey you’re about to go on.

  2. M said

    wow- progress! fantastic!

  3. Nicole said

    Can’t wait to hear more about this. I’ll email you for the password for the next post…

  4. halfadozen said

    This was such an eloquent and beautifully written post… Thank you…
    I have really enjoyed reading your blog (mostly been lurking) and these posts about opening your marriage. I would love to keep reading about it, if you would be comfortable with giving me the password… i will e-mail you the request…

  5. Z said

    If you don’t think I’m too creepy/strangerly, I’d love to be able to keep reading your posts!

  6. Would love the password if you would like to share. I’d been bummed that your old blog was gone, and only recently came across this one – glad to see you again!

  7. CaitStClair said

    Like others, I’m also a lurker who is absolutely fascinated by your life and ability to see and analyze it. I’ll email you for the password, but only if you’re comfortable with me having it.

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