Whatever This Is Called

November 3, 2010

One of the most significant developments coming out of this Asheville thing is the making of friends. Lesbian ones. This may be an indication of an immaturity in my relationship, but Wifebian and I have never had to negotiate the development of new friendships with other gay people as a married couple.

In general, I havent made a mutually depthful, reciprocal, soulful friendship since college. Maybe I have intimacy issues, or maybe I havent really tried, maybe I’ve moved too much, or maybe the business of friendship is inherently different once youre an adult. Maybe its all these things, but I still want one. Or heck, maybe even two.

Specifically, Wifebian has started a friendship with a woman at her job who is a femme, partnered lesbian. So far, the friendliest thing thing the new friend has done was help Wifebian move on a day I was working. I have not met the friend’s girlfriend and I have not spent much time with the new friend. The new friend’s partner is a little suspicious of Wifebian; I joke about being jealous. Then, Wifebian told me that the new friend said I have a nice butt. And her and Wifebian talk about sex more than the average pair of new gay friends. And then there’s the whole part where the new friend is also Wifebian’s “type”.

You see where this is going.

Right? So we’re not talking about “making new friends” anymore, right? We’re talking about crushes, right? Friend has a crush on my wife. Or does she want to have sex with her? Or with us? Uh, ok, whatever . . .

Then, last weekend, Wifebian went out to the local lesbian bar with her new friend and her new friend’s girlfriend. I was at work. The new friend ended up propositioning Wifebian for sex, the girlfriend got mad at Wifebian’s new friend for a different, but related reason, and decided to fight with Wifebian’s friend on our porch at 3AM and be rude to the neighbor who asked them to quit it.

None of this constitutes “friendship material” in my book. But Wifebian says she is bored, would like also to be friends with her new friend’s girlfriend, who is butch, because she needs “boy”friends. I say that I am looking for a higher level of ethics in a new friend, some professional success, someone with some hobbies, a spiritual bent, other well-adjusted friends, perhaps a savings account, you know, the basics. But, more than the basics, too. And I certainly cant entertain their “friendship” if chick is going to be back-handed and secretive about her intentions.

Last week, before the proposition occured, Wifebian and I had been invited to dinner at the new friend’s house. I wasnt into anymore, but then Wifebian talked me into it, but then the new friend’s girlfriend said there would be no dinner. Over the intervening days, it turns out that Wifebian’s new friend and her girlfriend have been talking about opening up there relationship for some time, which is different than friendship, which is different than trying to sleep with my wife. I dont want to be friend with you and I dont want you to sleep with my wife, but kinky group sex? That I can do!

When Wifebian and I got together, I was a non-monogamous fool. Loved it! Thought it was great! But Wifebian squashed it and I humbly accepted the boundary. But now, for the first time in her life, though, not to mention in our relationship, Wifebian feels secure enough in a relationship, specifically ours, to consider having sex with other people. While I, on the other hand, after four years of monogamy, am leary, especially with this couple. Both of these girls are younger than Wifebian and I, are completely new to non-monogamy, I sense that they are unhappy in their own relationship, and I know they dont identify as queer. (Not to mention, 1/2 of the couple works with Wifebian.) This couple is not the best couple to be nonmonogamous with now that I am out of practice and Wifebian is exploring new territory.

Last night, Wifebian and I had warm, sexy sex, involving a fantasy about me her new friend’s girlfriend, then walked the dog up to the local cafe and talked about it all over a couple of our favorite chocolate chip cookies. We talked about our unfulfilled needs, the ones that cant be fulfilled because no person is everything to another person. We talked about Wifebian’s identity as a butch and a bottom, how this couple’s dynamic is different and provocative in relationship to ours, We talked about how our sex used to be (fanfuckingtastic), how our love used to be (wholenotherpost), and what to do next.

Initally, I wanted nothing to do with this because I dont want to be friends with them and I’m not aching for the non monogamous lifestyle. But now — now, I realize that Wifebian does not have some desire to have group sex or exchange partners, but that really my wife has a crush on her friend and feels secure enough in her relationship with me to try to ask about maybe expressing it sexually. I realize that I am the one in this situation who knows even remotely what she is doing and that if it’s going to work out, I have to be in charge.

I sent my phone number to the other girlfriend. We are going to meet up at the mall tomorrow. The mall! I love it! I would like for her and I to talk about this without Wifebian and her friend, since we are the level headed ones (hopefully) at this point. (Besides, the idea of watching Wifebian and her friend try to be, like, non – crushed on one another while in this woman’s home in front of this woman’s partner kinda makes me wanna barf.)

Acording to my analysis so far, Wifebian and her friend — the two “bottoms”, the two “passive” people in these two relationships — have a crush on one another that they want to express phsyically, but the dominate partners are being like, “Hell to the NOTGONNAHAPPEN!” If I can put myself in charge of deciding if this is a good idea, with the cooperation of the other person who is “in charge”, we might all have a shot at having a mutually beneficial, drama-limited, good time.

I guess.

I hope.

I mean, I could get back into this non-monogamy thing. It is super fun. 

But, then, there are the judgemental voices, the ones in my head, about how non-monogamy is immature and this endeavor is particularly ill – advised, how I should be spending my energy on budgets and recipes and baby-making and how I might even be doing real damage to my relationship.  But, I want a dynamic, queer sex life with my wife. I want a stable, loving marriage in which to raise happy, healthy children. I want both of these things, and I’m sorry, but “date night” doesnt seem to be cutting it.

I need a picture of Dan Savage to hang over my fire place. With candles and a rosary. The patron saint of . . . whatever this is called.

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15 Responses to “Whatever This Is Called”

  1. meridith said

    I’d love to know how this goes!

  2. angie said

    Fave post of yours by far. Now I want to pick your brain.

  3. Lisa said

    I admire you enormously.

  4. schroedinger said

    WWDSS? That is my motto: What would Dan Savage say?

    I think he would say it sounds like there are two issues at play: one, whether you & Wifebian want to talk about opening up your relationship, what that would look like, and what the parameters would be; and two, whether you want to do that (or should) with THIS couple. I think if you look at those separately, you might have a clearer idea of what is going on.

    That Wifebian has a crush that she is comfortable acknowledging is nice, but definitely trust your gut– if you think this couple is too unstable/insecure/immature to let in to the newly cracked door of your (possibly) opening relationship, then there are DEFINITELY other couples (or singles, whatever) out there that might be a better match.

    So glad you are in a better place now! This is a MUCH better conundrum than the creepy peeping neighbor!

  5. Nicole said

    I love it! I commend your effort to “take charge” of this situation and I wish you luck in that, it seems like a definite challenge but one you’re looking forward to. There are so many fascinating dynamics within this foursome (and various twosomes) it makes my head spin. Oh how I’d love to be a therapist in the room with you all 🙂

  6. Ms. Loaf said

    You’re a better person than I am to be able to deal with non-monogamy. I cannot handle it, but I am glad that you and Wifebian are secure enough in your relationship to be able to talk about this stuff. Good for her, good for you. I’m fascinated to see where this goes!

  7. L said

    I agree with your gut feeling that this kind of situation could get very messy, given that: 1. coworker, 2. potential lack of maturity, and 3. history of public fights that piss of the neighbors. But I think you’re also wise in researching further, and making sure you fully understand the situation. Good luck!

  8. alimis said

    This post had some twist and turns that I was not expecting. I am looking forward to seeing what happens.

  9. Z said

    does wifebian know that you and new friend’s girlfriendbian are hanging out?!

  10. Z said

    does wifebian know about the meet up with friend’s girlfriendbian?!

  11. I was in a nonmonogamous lesbian relationship for several years. As you know, it can get very dramatic depending on who comes into your bedroom and what intentions they bring. Hopefully you and the coworkers partner can find common ground and help your wives/partners come to the same common ground. I’d hate to see this coworker keep pursuing something with wifebian if you both aren’t comfortable with opening that door.

  12. MWK said

    Brave you for posting this. I don’t think you are looking for advice and I sure as hell don’t have any, but I wanted to say Good luck. Also, i really, really hope that when you talked to the Other Girlfriend on the phone you said, “Meet me at the mall. It’s going down.” (i apologize if you don’t get my bad hip-hop reference).

  13. Not that I have any useful experience to draw on here, but I think Schroedinger has a good point about the difference between you and Wifebian maybe wanting to open your relationship, and getting involved with this couple. I tend to be a little leery of people/situations with a high drama factor apparent at the onset. It sounds a little like new friend and new friend’s girlfriend are heading swiftly towards a high-intensity break-up, and I don’t know if y’all want to get caught in the middle of it. Particularly given that Wifebian works with new friend.

    In any case, it sounds like you and Wifebian are approaching this from a thoughtful perspective, and staying in touch with each other, which I think is the important thing. (I’m just not sure the same thing can be said for this other couple, which is the worrisome part.) However it works out, though, good luck!

  14. malea said

    I will repeat the advice i was given yearsss ago..”never mix your honey with your money”. Secondly, i use to visit Sheville often when i lived in ATL and the lesbian community there is very close-knit and gossipy. Very easy for newcomers to get a bad rap unintentionally that will spread like wild fire.

    My single lesbian friend, who lived there, was offered a job in PA and she couldn’t get out of there quick enough. They barely talked to her after she simply danced with those who wanted to dance with her at a local bar when she was new to town.That’s all. No grinding or anything and they labeled her a slut.

    *you’re going to need playdates.

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