The State of Our Marriage Address

August 30, 2010

Pardon the massively heterosexual bent of this “marriage quiz”, but Wifebian and I took it in celebration of our first anniversary. It was true-ish and helpful-like for us.

The quiz conceptualizes relationships in three ways: those in which the people “lean” on one another, those in which the people “merge” and those in which the people, I dont know, are fantastically independent, yet caring, yet interdependent and basically perfect.

Wifebian and I  each rated our own selves on the 9 questions; my opinion about us comes first, her opinion about us comes second.

What we learned is that I need to make some friends. That live within a hundred miles of me. ASAP. Consider Yourself Memed.

Or if you need a gilded invitation, well, then, here you go, Sweetness and Light and Sugar and Spice.

The State of Our Marriage: 8/7/2010

Rate How Closely Each Question Describes Your Marriage

Give each question a number value from 1 to 4
1 (Not At All Like Us)
2 (Not Much Like Us)
3 (Somewhat Like Us)
4 (Very Much Like Us)

A=#1-#7-#9=Lean I=#2-#3-#6=Merge H= #4-#5-#8=Isnt That

Nice For You

D    4, 2, 2 = 8 D 1, 2, 4 = 7 D 4, 1, 4 = 9
L    3, 3, 2 = 8 L , 1, 1, 1 = 3 L 4, 2, 4 = 10
  1. I often expect my spouse to pick me up when I’m down and make me feel better, and I try to do the same for him/her; otherwise I feel cheated. 4/3
  2. My spouse and I are truly “one”; sometimes I don’t know the difference between what he/she feels and what I feel. 1/1
  3. For fun, we sometimes dress in the same color and style of shirts or other apparel when we go out together. 2/1
  4. My spouse is fully responsible for his/her own growth and development and the same goes for me; that’s the purpose of our marriage. 4/4
  5. My spouse and I have different friends and each of us does many activities for fun that don’t include the other. 1/2
  6. My spouse is my only source of love and comfort.  4/1
  7. When my spouse and I are together we complete each other. 2/3
  8. I challenge my spouse to become greater and deal with the uncomfortable personal issues he/she comes up against, and I expect the same from him/her. 4/4
  9. If my spouse is away and something upsetting happens, I won’t handle it until I can speak with him/her.   2/2

Scoring:

Add the total of questions 1, 7, and 9: A score of 8-12 indicates that you may have an “A” marriage, one where you and your spouse are leaning on one another. The higher the score the more likely you have this kind of marriage. An “A” marriage usually works for a while, but it will probably cause problems later. You will continue looking to the other person to give you what you feel you lack and your expectations will cause disruptions in your marriage.

Add the total of questions 2, 3 and 6: A score of 8-12 indicates that you may have an “I” marriage, one where you and your spouse are merged, perhaps becoming too close to each other. The higher the score the more likely you have this kind of marriage. An “I” marriage may become a problem because one or both of you will eventually feel smothered and want to find your own way in life, without having to take care of the other person.

Add the total of questions 4, 5, and 8: A score of 8-12 indicates that you may have an “H” marriage, one where you and your spouse are separate individuals, engaged in your own growth and development with the help of your spouse. The higher the score the more likely you have this kind of marriage. An “H” marriage has an excellent chance to last, assuming you stay lovingly connected. Be careful not to make the “H” too wide; that kind of marriage becomes too business-like and the love dissipates quickly.

A score of 7 in any of the three categories of marriage (“A”, “I”, “H”) indicates that you may exhibit some aspects of that type of marriage.

Questionnaire Copyright 2005 Men in Marriage

You can learn much more about “A”, “I” and “H” marriages in Marty Friedman’s book, “Straight Talk for Men About Marriage—What Men Need to Know About Marriage (And What Women Need to Know About Men)”

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4 Responses to “The State of Our Marriage Address”

  1. Ms Loaf said

    This has nothing to do with this quiz (though I’m so glad I didn’t take it when I was with Someone, because our answers would’ve been embarrassingly divergent), but I saw this tweet from Tegan & Sara about Asheville, and I thought I’d share:

  2. Angie said

    i just learned the word meme yesterday. thanks npr!

    p.s. the guy in the cube across from me has gotta be in his early 60s and he is blasting def leppard’s pour some sugar on me. yikes.

  3. isa said

    My wife and I seem to be split between the first and third categories. What I thought was most interesting is that our answers were the same on 7 of the questions. So we’re…kind of codependent? But at least on the same page?

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