The West Virginia of My Mind

July 5, 2010

The past 24 hours have been filled with mother-longing and daughter-grief. I had a dream in which I found out that a co-worker was my half sister. Then, I started reading The Kid, Dan Savage’s account of doing an open adoption, followed by a positive OPK, followed by the movie Mother and Child.

The part about the dream that I remember most vividly is looking at her new-to-me-eyes and thinking they had looked like mine all along. In real life, I do have a half sister, she is about 13 and I found her Facebook page about six months ago. I visit it monthly. She looks like her father. I dont know if she knows about me, but when she turns 18, I will be pouncing, regardless. Furthermore, I just did what meager math I can and found that this sister was born when my biological mother was 39. Sweet.

So far, Dan Savage has talked about how dirty his house is, how sad he was to definitely have to give up threesomes and how he decided to put the adoption on rush so he could write a book about it. I love that man. He is my honesty role model.

I got my positive OPK outside of a Ben and Jerry’s. I took it 6 hours late, which will be a source of irritation for at least another two days.

And, in the movie, there are two characters, a mother daughter pair, separated by adoption, who both have intimacy problems. The mother says, at one point, to a suitor, “I am a difficult person and I have have high expectations. I demand a lot from people, it’s not fair, but it’s true.” And her daughter, the one she has never met, is anchor-less, ambitious, and calculating in bed. They are a fine study of my own nooks and crannies, and, without actual information, the best blueprint available for how it is that me and my own biological mother may have turned out.

The movie made me realize that I only know about the things that my biological mother wont do or isnt doing, but that maybe there are things she does do. The mother in the movie lists all of the things she does for the daughter she has never met and then it hit me, maybe mine does things, too. Maybe she thinks about me on my birthday, or writes a letter, or calls me by the name she wouldve named me in her head, or remembers something about me whenever she passes a certain street corner. It was relieving to think of her in some nice way, one that doesnt involve ambush, a scenario at the center of most of my daydreams. This kind of realization might sound pretty pedestrian, but when you think about the same thing everyday and each day of your life, not really sharing your thoughts with anyone and therefore not getting many new thoughts in, having a new one is a pretty momentous occasion.

My thoughts are inbred on this subject.


2 Responses to “The West Virginia of My Mind”

  1. Ms. Loaf said

    The Kid is one of my favorite books. Sooo good.

  2. Meg said

    I bet she does think of you.

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