It’s OK

June 24, 2010

Last night, we sat down and made lists and budgets and time lines. Credit card calculators were also involved.

Today’s newest decision is to spend the $400.00 in order to try again this month. Then re-ask our old known donor, then ask a new known donor, and take some foster care classes. If we have to stay here for a couple more years to accomplish a family, so be it.

Life is like a slow trickle of water dripping down the solid rock of the things you want. When we started off, we didnt want this donor and I didnt want to be pregnant in that state, we wouldnt spend such and such amount of money, and she didn’t want a foster kid to be this or that age compared to a biological kid. But, apparently, life is not a grocery store. There arent 30 different cereals and breakfast bars and low-calorie shakes to choose from all the time.

You can say that we are settling or you can say that we are being humbled. You can say that we are weak – willed or you can say that we are flexible, realistic, graceful, even, in the face of real life. Intellectually, I know that everyone goes through a slow reckoning between the things they want and the things they get. Emotionally, I sometimes, somehow, feel as though I am to blame for things not turning out the way I want because I am, after all, the captain of my own ship, as my father used to say.

But, this morning I feel pleasantly resigned. I think the word for it is relief. I’m here, down South. Suffering is optional. For example, my clothes have been in cardboard boxes for a year. I have been eating out of my own lap. It’s OK to buy a kitchen table and a dresser. Even if I have credit card debt. Even if I have to lug it back up North in a couple of years.

It’s OK.

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5 Responses to “It’s OK”

  1. liberationtheory said

    .

  2. Elizabeth said

    I feel like that is the first lesson of parenthood — realizing that there is so much out of your control, and that if you get what you wants it’s more about receiving a gift from the universe rather than wrenching your desires from the world through hard work and determination. You’re already learning well. You’re going to be a fabulous mother.

  3. Meg said

    It is ok.

    Hell, I thought I’d be in NY for a year (boy did I hate it). I was there for nine. It was better than ok. It was great even. I think, part of the lesson is that we don’t know best. We’re not in charge here, which means we can let go a little, and we don’t know best. Sometimes ‘easy’ is showing us the right way, and sometimes easy is buying a kitchen table and staying put.

    Hugs. Regardless.

  4. LPC said

    Yes, it is OK. As long as you can breathe and there is someone nearby to smooch and no one is making you eat processed cheese snacks day in day out.

  5. […] Day 29 and I don’t have my period, but I did get that dining room table. Yay me on both fronts. Posted by mrsbasement Filed in Wives ·Tags: try […]

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