Potluck at the Fertility Co-op

June 2, 2010

In an effort to make this last try as sad and lonely as possible, the fates have decided that the sperm will be free, but, in exchange, I must be fighting with my gay sperm man and have no confidence in anyone within thirty feet of my clinic.  Further, I must ovulate and inseminate not only on  a weekend, but on a weekend when Wifebian will be out of town. And working.

Thanks, fates, thanks a lot.

Turns out the fertility clinic — the one that specializes in gynecology, obstetrics and infertility, according to the sign out front, anyway — doesnt do semen analysis. Or rather, as Dr. Hugz said, they do more “qualitative“. (Apparently “qualitative” is a noun.) So, this lady, some lab lady, scribbled some stuff on a piece of paper and had Dr. Hugz stamp it. And I had to ask for that. For a signature, which turned out to be a stamp. When I asked for her signature, she got real squirrely and said something about talking to her supervisor.

So, anyway, I pick it up. This piece of paper is so poorly formatted, so lacking in any actual information, that it is an affront to science, medicine, the fertility industry and all common sense. I am appalled, but I scan it and send it off to gay sperm man. I can only do what I can do, I say to myself, and I am not asking anyone to do anything they can’t do. If he doesnt accept the analysis, I say to myself, then I will find out what he information he needs exactly and ask the clinic if they will re-do the report and hope that I can get it all done before I ovulate.

Gay sperm man gets the “analysis” and sends me a long email about how it is such an affront that he is under no obligation to do shit about shit. But, after three paragraphs, he takes an amazing turn, explains that he is changing his business model, that he doesnt want to sperm bank at all, and in his magnanimous munificence, as well as his desire to unload his jizzum inventory, he will deign to send me replacement vials.

Having read this email, I become very sad, tired and angry because everybody sucks. Knowing better than to write under these emotional conditions, I send a reply stating, “Thanks.” He sends a reply to my reply stating, “Thanks?”

And this is when I know things are really going to take a turn for the worst. Because he’s usually a little wordier than that.

I reply to his reply, stating that I am thanking him for the vials and ask how many vials he will be sending. He replies with the answer in one email and then with another email, in which he explains how he is awesome, how the clinic sucks and that he is “disturbed” that I haven’t “recognized” this. He also implies that it could even be the clinic that ruined the sperm.

Another turn for even worse worseness.

I reply to his reply, stating that if he would like a more thorough “accounting” of what I have and haven’t “recognized” about this situation, that a phone call is in order. He replies, stating that the clinic sucks, that he is awesome and that he would appreciate it if I treated him as though he is awesome. He includes phrasing like “serving the community” and highlights the personal sacrifices he makes in order to “bring children into our families”.

You didnt even think it could get more unprofessional, did you?

I reply, stating, again, that we have passed the point of emailing about this. He replies, stating that he doesnt call people from whom he does not have an “assurance” of “civility”. He tells me I have been meeting him with rudeness.

That was this morning.

Here’s the thing. He is mad that I’m not falling all over myself about how awesome he is. That I’m staying professional and not taking sides. That it’s not me and him against the clinic. That I’m not singing his praises. That I am not so thankful for his munificent magnificence.That I’m just trying to get pregnant without all the extra bullshit.

The thing is, he wants to be the good guy. But there can only be one good guy in this story and that good guy is ME with incompetence on one side and pomposity on the other. The thing is, somebody did something wrong, but IT WASNT ME. So . . . ME. I must be the good guy. It’s me versus alla Y’ALL fuckers! I don’t care if you ARE a gay man living in Alameda being a community activist for LGBT families — QUEER WOMEN ARE THE ONLY GOOD GUY IN THIS STORY.

Okay, OK, clearly, I jest. No one is good or bad, we are all just trying to do our best. I guess. And if I dont get pregnant, its no ones fault. I guess. But really, I’m just over here wondering: Why arent we doing this for ourselves? Where is the Good Vibes of the lesbian fertility world? Where is our non-profit, educational service and fertility co-op? I mean, I really appreciate gay sperm man, I do. That open donation thing and that gay donor thing are AWESOME and his prices are fair, I guess, it’s just that he ‘s lacking a little in the professionalism department and I can forgive him that. But really, I need to not be dealing with my sperm bank director’s emotions right now, or rich men with families and for-profits.

I remember when I first started emailing with gay sperm man about his gay sperm business, trying to get some sort of assurance that they were above-board. I couldnt find any reports at the Better Business Bureau and I asked if he had the names and numbers of any current or former clients from whom I could get a recommendation. He said something about how that would be a violation of HIPPA laws and I said something about how it wouldnt be if the women volunteered, as some sort of community-building, benevolent type set-up. He referred me to sibling registries and some book in which the author states that she used his service. I was surprised. That there was no sense of  . . . community. He had all the sperm and all the knowledge and the lesbians that used his service had . . . well, kids.


So, here’s the deal. After your wife has her baby and finishes with, like, whatever kind of education she’s getting, could these two just call her and start a fertility clinic? I’ll be the third party coordinator, the one who deals with the sperm and egg donors.

Who’s got the front desk?


5 Responses to “Potluck at the Fertility Co-op”

  1. Erin said

    What a tool! I’d be happy to answer the phones and take the orders, ha!

  2. just maybe he’s getting out of the jizz biz because he is a wee bit angry at the idea of ladies getting along okay without his magical dong? exhibit X in “gay men and lesbians can make for a strange coalition.” (no offense to the non-misogynist gay dude out there. you exist and i love you. (i love you non-misogynist straight dudes, too.) but gayness is sadly no vaccine against having a bad attitude towards women.)

    yuck! you are the good guy! these people suck!

    (i am curious if you considered sperm bank of CA, which is, as i understand it, a lesbian-owned non-profit. we’re not using them for various reasons, but i hear rave reviews all over the place.)

    • mrsbasement said

      Im pretty sure that in 2011 we will be changing outfits. we will only have 3,000 dollars, though, so just 1 or 2 tries instead of 5, I guess. And no known donor, I guess. I just dont want to give that up yet, but . . c’est la vie?

  3. Libberal said

    I’m all for the co-op. Why the hell are we spending our (very hard earned) money and time, not to mention our emotional and physical energy, to obtain something that we, in all our splendid power, could manage to get for ourselves? Where is the Take Back The Night for sperm banks? I’m in. Sign me up. And fuck gay sperm man. The only persons emotional baggage you should have to deal with right now (not to mention the ego-boosting) is your own. I’m sorry you have to deal with this bullshit, on top of everything else.

  4. This is the first sperm bank we used. We tried two different donors, and had no luck. The numbers were always low. We decided to switch to one of the bigger places, and the numbers were much better. We actually lied to gay sperm man about why we were leaving because he was so adamant that his place was the best. He always seemed very judgemental about the bigger sperm banks, and we really didn’t want a lecture from him. Their philosophy seems great, and we were sad to give up on the known donor, but in the end we just had to do what was going to get results.

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