Cycle Day 1

April 28, 2010

My period came today. At 9 am. Which is 7 hours after I took the pregnancy test that came back so clearly negative.

Neither Wifebian nor I could sleep last night. I woke up from a dream, heard her rustling and said something like, “Are you awake, too?” We finally sighed the collective “fuck-it”, tested negative and went back to bed. Until 6:30.

The dream that woke me was of me peeing on a pregnancy test. Except, the pregnancy test looked like a maxi pad. And when I peed, I peed my period. And I moved the little pad around between my fingers, trying to see the lines through the blood.

I havent had such prescient dreaming since my father relapsed in drug and alcohol addiction. (“Into drug and alcohol addiction” — you can tell I havent sloughed off my social worker hat for the day, yet.)

My dad and my baby. That, I can dream about.

I am still feeling some of that strange indigestion and very hungriness. I wonder if some valiant spermatozoa didnt ricochet off of some beefy egg and send some H sparks and C sparks and G sparks into my blood stream. And through to my brain.

I was on the phone today, with some triage nurse, asking if it wasnt too late to talk about Clomid and triggers shots and sonograms. They said they would call me back. But I missed the call because I was in a meeting.

I teared up listing to the message, “This is so and so calling from such and such. When you return the call, please ask for triage.”

This is not who I wanted to be.

I was going to be so fertile!

But that’s OK. It’s like in high school when I thought that you could listen to the Cure or Morrissey, but you had to pick one or the other. Or in college when I thought California was filled with crunchy nutballs and I was just so East Coast.

Sometimes my thinking is very black and white and I cling to arbitrary distinctions based on uninformed opinions.

I didnt want to be this person who has to talk to doctors because I am very healthy. I didnt want to be this person who took fertility drugs because look at these hips. I didnt want to be this person who wants children because I am not that kind of woman.

But this cycle, with the weird symptoms, the ones that led me to believe I was pregnant, brought me so close to my caring. I am now old enough to know that when I start to care about something, I should take a minute. Be vulnerable. And enjoy it.

So I did.

And now, I think I may have crossed some sort of line. Into caring. This is something I care about.

Surely, you saw this coming from a mile away.

What with my history.

My favorite part about drinking during the day is two beers in, when the leaves on the trees get so green they shimmer.

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8 Responses to “Cycle Day 1”

  1. Debbie said

    Crap. I have been refreshing all day because I was SO SURE you were pregnant. Maybe you were, for a little while. I’m so sorry. Sending so many hugs.

    Also, maybe you don’t have to be so sure you are infertile. I am very curious what a 19-year-old’s sperm with a proven history of knocking women up would do with your possibly fantastic eggs. I was just at a consultation with an RE who said that the FIRST thing they do when a woman doesn’t get pregnant is switch donors.

    Hugs, hugs, and more hugs.

  2. Ms. Loaf said

    That last sentence is so beautiful.

    Sorry to hear about CD1.

  3. LPC said

    If I were your mom I would come make you some soup. And ask you, don’t you think maybe it’s the sperm, not you, that’s the issue? Because moms should mostly think it’s someone else’s fault. I admire you for caring – and 3 tries is small potatoes in the world of trying to have a baby, except for the expense. In other words, I’m blathering on because I care too and hope that all will work out.

  4. Erin said

    DARN It! Looking back over the last 8 bfn’s I KNOW there were at least two that something was a-happenin’. I didn’t (and still don’t) want to be that person either, but it’s where so many of us end up. *hugs*

  5. I’m so sorry, hon.

    I know exactly how you feel. I didn’t even entertain the thought that it wouldn’t be easy for me.

    It makes me feel better to know I’m not the only one, so I’m posting this comment to say you’re not the only one.

  6. strawberry said

    Very sorry to hear this 😦

  7. Nicole said

    Shit. This sucks. I crossed the caring line too (and believe me, I so didn’t think I would). It’s a hard place, but ultimately a better one I think. I’m impressed with how in touch your dreams are. I wish I could be like that. None of this is going to matter soon because you’re totally getting yourself a baby.

  8. Sarah said

    Fuck. It’s awful love.

    But you do write beautifully through the worst.

    I’m so sorry.

    If I could I’d show up with a pack of summer ale.

    xoxox

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