The Cargo Plane of Love

March 10, 2010

I tried to order the sperm to arrive on CD 13 and accidentally ordered it to arrive CD 12, fucking up my work schedule for CD 12 and causing the spermies to expire on CD 15.

Now I have to eat 4 puddings instead of 1 to cope with the fact that I am primed to make the same mistake I made last month – inseminating too early.

Oh well, who knows. Last time I had to inseminate on CD 13, so CD 14 & 15 is definitely an improvement. Plus, they say the tank is good for 5-7 days, which would actually put expiration at CD 17.

Clearly, I can’t do this very well.

Who the fuck put me in charge of getting pregnant, anyway? Am I in a strange and sad sorority of women who can’t even figure out when to order sperm, much less when to actually put it in a cooch? I mean, am I not unalone?

I take comfort in my wife, though. This month has seen a marked increase in concrete caring about this pregnancy thing. She called me in the middle of the day yesterday to tell me she is excited. And she has a new term for insemination. Pussy bomb. As in, “When are we pussy-bombing again?” It does kind of feel like we are plotting some sort of aerial attack. Or maybe it’s not an attack. Maybe we are dropping chocolate bars and sardines from the massive belly of The Cargo Plane of Love. It’s a humanitarian mission.

I also take comfort in the fact that the neuro-cognitive scientists know whats wrong with me:

Psychologists Don Norman and Tim Shallice have outlined five types of situations [in which deficits in executive functioning would impede] optimal performance:

  1. Those that involve planning or decision making.
  2. Those that involve error correction or troubleshooting.
  3. Situations where responses are not well-learned or contain novel sequences of actions.
  4. Dangerous or technically difficult situations.
  5. Situations which require the overcoming of a strong habitual response or resisting temptation.
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2 Responses to “The Cargo Plane of Love”

  1. A. said

    I cannot express how much I love the term “pussybomb”.

  2. meridith said

    that word – beyond fantastic.

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