Basement State of Mind

January 31, 2010

I’ve been kind of crazy and tearful for the past week. And, as previously posted, I got my period about an hour ago. I’ve really never had mood swings as such a prominent symptom of menstruation. I also took two Wellbutrins, now known as “Wellies” in the Basement Family household, about an hour ago, which is not quite how they are prescribed to be taken and am ready to dose up on some coffee, homemade or Starbucks, I can’t decide. I have about 5-6 hours worth of billing to do between now and 10AM tomorrow. And I fucking hate doing it. Hatehatehate.

I saw a Facebook status update for the gay photo group that I had hoped to be a part of until it became clear I would be working Saturdays for the rest of my life. They are putting up their first showcase. And it made me very, very sad.

If I’m not working, and sad for all the things that I dont have in my life due to an abundance of work, I am spending my time avoiding work. I’ve been procrastinating by variously overeating, complaining about being cold, taking a bath, crying, opening tax documents, complaining about being broke, googling Kimora Lee Simmons, trying to sleep, watching Wifebian paint, opening overdraft notices, googling Russel Simmons and Djimon Hounsou, googling Aioki, googling Kenzo, googling Ming, feeling ashamed for having lived in three states this year, insulting Wifebian, opening car insurance advertisements, complaining about being fat, googling Willie and the Wheel, crying, Facebooking, crying, making comments about not having a baby for the baby room, googling hibachi, criticizing Wifebian, staring at the wall, looking out the window, googling the Grammys, and wishing I was skinny. Now you know the real reason I am so attached to the Basement moniker.

Somewhere amidst the uterine cramps and lower back pains, I have a post brewing about the surprising, unexpected and ridiculous blow that failing to get pregnant on the first try dealt to my hopefulness. It’s been a strange conversion from, “It’s OK if I don’t get pregnant” to, “I am a fertility goddess full of eggs and luck,” to, “I am so sorry you are married to a broke, barren lesbian,” but that’s the arc of my thought process over the last four months. I am glum, avoidant of pre-pregnancy chores like temping and taking vitamins. Heaven help me if I actually don’t end up getting pregnant. I only have three tries in the bank for 2010.

I wonder if I would feel this way if I had more money.

As far as the dinner goes, it was actually good. The worst thing that happened was the result of my own major malfunctions. The hibachi chef kept insisting that he pour saki in my mouth and I kept refusing. Then, he just kamikaze started squirting me in the face, which made me angry and embarrassed — a bad combo. I mean, really, dont squirt liquor into the mouth of the tipsy lesbian feminist top who said no, kay? When I finally gave up on wresting the squeeze bottle of saki from his fuckball hand, I tipped my bowl of egg fried rice all over the table, which was a fitting end to my little fit. Luckily, no one said anything, except Wifebian, who was ever so slightly mortified and a little irritated with me.

She must have the patience of a saint and the heart of prince to be married to this here train wreck otherwise known as Basement Face.

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2 Responses to “Basement State of Mind”

  1. Olive said

    Sorry for cd1 and the tears.

    I’m glad the dinner was ok.

  2. Nicole said

    First of all, I’m impressed you didn’t take hibachi chef’s knife and just slice him right there (that might be the Progesterone gel talking, or just the Sicilian in me). Second of all, I can totally relate to the thought arc you describe. I’ve often thought more money would make my life easier, but not until we realized we were gonna have a long haul with TTC did I think that money might actually solve ALL my problems (I know it won’t, but it sure feels like it). On my worst days I hate my body and on my best I can still try to love it and trust it will do what I so desperately want it to do. I’m trying to hold onto that trust.

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