Infinite, Unqualified

January 28, 2010

So the other day, I was with a client. And her three year old needed some discipline. He needed a time out. I asked her permission and put him in time out. I felt like Jo from Super Nanny.

And three minutes later, when I went to lift him out of his time-out chair and slipped my hands under his little armpits and hoisted his bony little bird body out of the seat, I felt so much love toward him. Then, I realized by the assuredness with which he slid out of the chair, that I was putting more work into lifting him up than he usually got and it made me sad. Not that his parents leave him to slide, not that I was dumb, but that he didnt need me.

The next I got him out of time-out, and there was a next time, I didnt lift so much. And then, he didnt slide so much, either.

The point is not that I want to have a baby so badly. The point is not even that I am tired of raising other people’s kids vicariously through them. The point is that I want to feel that love toward a child and be entitled to it. And for the child to be entitled to it, too. I’m tired of channeling these feelings into something professional or analytical. It continues to pain me to withdraw from a child because their love has been inappropriately misplaced on me in front of their parents. I dont want to align my love for a child with a treatment goal which is then reflected in my purpose, intervention and evaluation. Just once, with just one child, I want to be called mommy and not have to say, in return, “I’m not your mommy.”

I just want to give and receive in an infinite, unqualified loop. With a child.

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5 Responses to “Infinite, Unqualified”

  1. MWK said

    Sigh. Well said.

  2. LPC said

    Good luck. I wave my wand of fertility. Hope next time is the charm. I recommend pineapples.

  3. Me said

    I hear ya. Loud and clear.

  4. Beautifully said! Thanks for sharing! Having spent years as a childcare director and then initially studying to get a social work degree, I too hear you! Good Luck!

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