Naivete and Hubris

October 25, 2009

South Carolina First Hundred Days 088

Wifebian and I didn’t go to Meeting today. We were going to watch a movie about Quakers, but we had sex and carved pumpkins instead. We were supposed to drop the car off at the shop, but we drank beer instead. (I did work for five hours on Saturday though, lest you think I’m a slacker.)

I’ve been itching to write an entry about how I think this whole baby-thing will go.  Anticipation and nostalgia are my favorite emotions and the concept of virginity is the most titillating, those moments before you become the person you’ve never been before — the moment before you have sex, the moment before you kiss a girl, the moment before you try LSD, the moment before you get married.

Yesterday on NPR I heard about valedictory dispatches, in which English diplomats would write one last memo to the Queen regarding (invariably) his (invariably) racist and xenophobic opinions of the country and culture in which he was diplomatic before the end of his term. I was dating this girl once, who was into SM, and one evening, before we did this one sex act, I sat at the computer, next her bed, writing about what I thought the sex act would be like. Both missives are written to future selves, one from the perspective of knowing and one from the perspective of not. Clearly, I now have to write a valedictory dispatch before I deliver a baby.

What would be the high highfalutin’ name for the dispatch you write before boarding the ship to the New World, before leaving the beach for the jungle?

What I’m trying to say is that I think this will be easy. I think I will be pregnant by February. Also, if I do get pregnant, I wont feel guilty for it. Next, I think pregnancy will be easy. I don’t think I will be especially nauseous or sleepless. I think it will take me fewer than 6 hours to deliver a baby between the first contraction and the last smack on the bottom. I think the baby will drink peacefully from my bosom almost immediately.

I think this because my biological mother and father are one of 6 and one of 5 respectively. Since the age of 11, I have had a very regular cycle of 28 days and very wide hips. I have a spectacular vaginal canal, capable of accommodating a fantastic variety of things.

(On the other hand, I have one of the most severe cases of scoliosis that I’ve ever come across. I’ve never conceived before, accidentally or on purpose, and I have no connection with a woman who has had a baby before).

What I’m saying is that I dont see IUI in my future, or IVF. If the turkey baster doesnt work within 6 months, I wont continue and I wont feel bad about it. Clomid, triggers, donor eggs, Folistim, what? No.

Basically, this will be easy or it wont be at all. And I wont tear myself into a million pieces over it. Having been abandoned by my own biological mother and raised by an adopted woman who never had her own children, I am not mesmerized by biology mythology. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t, things tend to work out, or not, either way.

This is how I think it will be, 12 days into the cycle before the cycle when we inseminate, still fumbling for some hint of ovulation, and how to even predict it, these are my predictions.

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4 Responses to “Naivete and Hubris”

  1. Robbie said

    I hope everything goes exactly as you predict it will.

  2. Loaf said

    I really like your perspective on this, and I think it captures so well why I blog, too. The whole anticipation/nostalgia thing is one of my obsessive tics.

    It’s also great to hear someone talk about adoption, and a point at which they’ll stop trying to conceive. I always wanted to adopt, and I still think that’s how I’ll have a baby if I have kids, and I can understand wanting to give birth and all that, but it seems like adoption is just not discussed as much, which I think is sad.

    Have you read Dan Savage’s The Kid?

    Good luck with all of this and thanks for letting us follow along!

  3. Good luck! I hope it goes well.

    I think that lesbians shouldn’t get too hung up on biology because we can’t. My girl and I can’t make a baby together (oh some people say it’s possible) so we need the sperm of someone else. But my girl and I will be the parents, therefore removing the importance of biology straightaway. And, as you say, it’s love that matters, not who gave birth or whatever. I have friends that ask me why I don’t plan to give birth, and let my girl give birth… whether I’ll feel I’ve missed out?! No. I’ll still be a parent.

  4. thebao said

    I hope everything turns out for you just as you predict. Lots of luck!

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