Unprotected

February 21, 2011

My wife, Lauren, left me.

While Lauren was falling in love with this other woman, she began violating more and more boundaries. I slowly became angrier and angrier as I tried to control their relationship, adjust and accomodate. I did and said terrible things. I got drunk, name called, hit, lied, fucked the other woman’s girlfriend and lied about it.

One day,  Lauren said she was going out for a few hours. She called that evening to say she was moving out. She left two days later for a four day vacation with the other woman and when she got back she said our marriage was over. She refused to talk to me about it. She refused counseling. She said she never would’ve forgiven herself is she had stayed with me. She said it was an act of self preservation. From beginning to end, it took 8 weeks for our marriage to unravel. Lauren lives with her new girlfriend now and they talk about getting married and having children.

Tonight was a hard night at work. A man overdosed on beer and asprin, then slashed himself 20 times with a scalpel. I think that’s why I’m finally writing now. I feel a little torn open by the experience. I also told another friend the story tonight for the first time. I feel a strange alienation from my friends and family when I talk about it. Like, why aren’t they crying? Why are they so calm? Am I the only one spending my nights sobbing and screaming into the mattress? The answer, of course, is yes. My friends get off the phone with me and kiss their fiances, snuggle their children, go make dinner. I am totally alone with this.

This blog is done. I dont have to hide from her family anymore, so I dont need to be anonymous, but Lauren reads it, so how could I possibly keep it? I picture her new girlfriend reading this entry over Lauren’s shoulder. I imagine she has already showed her family. Part of me wants to seal myself off from Lauren to punish her for throwing our marriage away like this, to protect myself from this pain, this panic. Part of me wants to write to her through this one way glass dilligently, I am so desperate to feel some connection to her, to imagine the wholeness I felt when she used to read these entries and come home and tell me how much she loved reading what I wrote, how it helped her understand me, how she thinks I am funny and smart. That part is most alive around 4AM. Its a sad and pathetic part.

As it is, I have been ripped into dozens of pieces. I lost my wife. I am not having a baby. I do not have my best friend, my children’s mother, my lover, are all gone. It’s like a plane went down and everyone I loved was on it. Including me. I am at the part of the accident where I am running on adrenaline, unaware of the extent of it all. Soon, though, I’ll be sitting at a table with all my pieces laid out bloody in front of me trying to figure out what can be sewed back on, what I can survive without, hoping I will recognize myself in the mirror when its all over. Then, every morning, I will have to wake up and remember it again for months? Or years?

By the way, my name is Desaray.

31 Responses to “Unprotected”

  1. Samantha said

    I’m sorry to hear you two broke up. Have you thought about therapy for yourself?

  2. Debbie said

    Oh Desaray, I am so, so sorry. I’ve been thinking of you for months worrying that you two might have broken up. Sending so many hugs. Please keep the blog (or a new one) if it is something that helps you. Please do anything that helps you care for yourself.

  3. Schroedinger said

    Oh Desaray– I am so sorry to hear this. I am, sorry to have been a bad commenter in the past couple of months; it did sound like things were slipping into a different territory with you & Lauren, but I had hoped it would bring you closer not break you up. If you abandon this blog, I hope you start a new one in a way that we can find it– you are a beautiful writer and your wisdom and insight is always fresh and surprising. You make me think.

    I am so sorry you are going through this, though. I hope you are taking good care to be extra kind to yourself.

  4. Fuck. I, too, am so sorry to hear this. I had feared your long silence meant something was amiss, but had hoped it meant the opposite. I know you will find your way through to the other side of this, stronger and more beautiful than ever. But I also know that road will not be an easy one to travel, and I so wish you didn’t have to go through that. Like the folks above, I hope you keep blogging if it is helpful to you. And of course selfishly, we all hope it is.

  5. i’m so sorry. take care of yourself.

  6. A (A&K) said

    I am so sorry that you are experiencing so much pain right now. I have been checking back every so often to see if there was a new post, I’m so sorry to read about this now. Wishing you all that you need to get back to yourself and find a way to carry on with who you are. Thinking of you. Along with the others, I do hope you will continue to blog, if even under a new title. You are a gifted writer.

  7. I have missed reading your posts and though it had to be like this, I’m glad you wrote. I have been in a similar situation and I’m so sorry that your family has broken up. *hugs*

  8. jen said

    I have been waiting for a post from you but this is not what I wanted to hear. I wish that you didn’t have to go through this right now and I wish there was something that I could say to make you feel better about this shitty situation. I do hope that you continue blogging though because you are a great writer and I would like to remain “friends’ with you. I wish you the best.

  9. isa said

    Desaray, I’ve been reading your blog through three address changes–through your engagement, all the way to now. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that it is ending this way. Having been divorced myself once (and not the partner who got to choose the ending), I have an idea of where you’re at. It’s a terrible place, and I hope you’ll be gentle with yourself. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping that eventually the scars will heal and that I’ll find another blog someday that I think is you, and it will be.

  10. Ms. Loaf said

    Obviously our situations are not the same, but the feelings you describe are so familiar to me. I do hope you start another blog. I know it helped me process things.

    We are here for you. We care for you, even if we are internet strangers.

  11. callyourcourage said

    Desaray, you are in my thoughts.

  12. Irene said

    I am so so sorry that this has happened. I was inspired by your story (and your generosity in your relationship) and I feel so sorry that it has not had the happy ending you expected. What a let down for you. I really hope you find support in this dark time – do take care – and if you start another blog please let me know. Regards from yet another stranger you touched.

  13. reproducinggenius said

    Desaray, I am so sorry you are enduring this pain. I am saddened to hear you won’t be continuing your blog, but given the circumstances, it’s completely reasonable that you wouldn’t. I hope you’ll let me know if you start a new one as I love your writing.

    This pain is so raw right now, and I wish for you some understanding people around you to prop you up. If you don’t have that, reach out to this community, write somewhere safe, let us help.

  14. The Professor said

    I don’t have the words I want. I know that we don’t actually know one another in a traditional way, but as I’ve followed your blogs you’ve always felt familiar to me. Like someone who would be a friend. My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry to hear that Lauren had left you, it is hard to imagine. I am so very sorry and I wish only good things for you.

  15. Cynthia said

    Desaray – I am so sorry to hear this terrible news. I feel for you and I’m sending lots of positive stuff your way. I echo what others have said that even as a stranger I’ve read your blogs and I’m going to continue to root for you from over here and hope that things work out for you. Wishing you all the strength and courage to emerge from this. Take care of yourself

  16. missa said

    my heart is so aching for you now Desaray. I’m both so proud of your courage in the last months and saddened you and Lauren are now here…after all of that, and the that before that. Thank you for letting me/us in and when you are ready, can you find space for us all again. I have missed you and will continue to miss you until you return. Lots of love from the bottom of my heart for you! missa

  17. I am so sorry to hear that you two have split. Nothing is ever easy about these situations.

    I hope that you do continue to write, if it helps you.

  18. CoffeeBlue said

    I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how small those words must seem compared to all that you face. I wish I had magic to say. But mostly, I wish you strength and peace as you try to find your way through this.

  19. seattlegirl said

    Sigh. I cannot possibly say more than has already been said. My heart is aching for you. I hope that you will find that blogging might be a healing experience for you and therapy for yourself certainly, if that works for you. You are a very gifted writer and I echo the thoughts of others here should you decide to continue writing, I will look forward to reading. Know that you are being kept in the thoughts of the many here. Take care of yourself.

  20. Desaray, I was so sad to read that you split up. My heart goes out to you. I have been checking back a lot to see if there was a new post, but I was hoping it would not be this one. Please take care of yourself, and know that you can do it!

  21. Sally said

    I am so so sorry.

  22. Lisa said

    I am here on my suburban couch saying “Oh no, oh no, oh no.” I am so sorry your honorable project proved to be too much. I admit, I don’t care one bit about your wife, only about you. I want you to be OK. I want you to find happiness. I wish I could pat your head and say, “There, there, honey, it will be OK.” I sense your intelligence and I only hope it helps you through all this.

  23. MWK said

    Fuck fuck fuck. I’ve been wondering about you and hoping that all is well and I’m so, so, so sorry to hear this. I am thinking of you…that’s all I know to say.

  24. Shell said

    I am so sorry to hear that and ditto the others… Blogging will help you through this tough time. For me, writing my feelings out really helped me through tough times. Take care, ok?

  25. Ali said

    Oh my god, I have just read that. I’m so terribly sorry for this. Who can understand you better than I can, after all I’ve been trough in these months?
    If you want to talk, and share your thoughts, you can find my address on my blog.
    Hugs, Ali

  26. Wasabi said

    I am so very sorry, Desaray. I’m thinking about you and sending prayers your way. This news is awful. I’m just stunned and sad. Like everyone else, I hope that your smart, witty writing doesn’t stop.

  27. A. said

    Oh god, I am sorry I’m so late reading this, and I just want to say that I am so, so, so sorry. I have no words for this, just… you seem like an amazing, valuable person, and I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am wishing you the best, all the way up here in Montreal.

  28. Olive said

    Shit. I’m so sorry for this huge loss and the incredible pain.

  29. I’m sorry to read this – and hope you keep writing, give yourself the time and self love you’ll need to heal.

  30. halfadozen said

    Desaray– I hadn’t checked your blog in a while and just came across your last post. I am so sorry to read what you have gone through. Like so many others, I thought your silence was about you making your evolving relationship(s) work. I am heartbroken for you– I can only imagine how hard it was to trust as you did, to open your relationship up as you did, and to have your marriage yanked out from under you in the way that it was.
    You have always been an insightful, engaged, brave and overall excellent writer and I have always enjoyed hearing your perspective on things. I will miss it. And like Shroe, I hope that if you start writing again you give us a way to find you.
    I hope that the people around you are surrounding you with love. Be kind and gentle with yourself. And like many others, sending you big, healing vibes. xx

  31. Oh, my god. I am so, so sorry to hear about this and I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now. PLEASE do whatever you can do to take care of yourself. I’m thinking of you.

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