The Natural Course

I guess this is the natural conclusion to the story, it’s just taken 20 years to get here. At 13, she offered to fly me to Rhode Island. At 18, I got a plant when I went to college. At 20, I got hung up on. At 23 I got ignored and now, at 32, I’m being told no — through a third party. Surely I wont come back for more.

In other news, I am going to a doctor tomorrow to ask for Wellbutrin. I’ve never done this before, but I’m out of suggestions. Be skinny, help others, drink less, go to church, meditate, get married, get a dog, get a hobby. I’m just all out. They say Wellbutrin makes you lose weight, doesnt fuck with your orgasm and probably wont deform your fetus.

I’m sold.

A Quick Update

To say that I spoke last night with an uncle. My biological mother is one of eight and he is the youngest. We talked for two hours. He said that she is not happy that I’ve made contact and that she wants the past to stay the past.

My compassion is about run out and I am starting to enjoy the hot center of my rage on this here issue. I thought by being an outspoken, smart, feminist type, that I would somehow avoid the pitfalls of repressing and then regurgitating gobs of anger in my old age, but it turns out I have about 20 years of being really pissed at this bitch to sift through and savor.

He on the other hand is the baby. Who never had children, who has never been sober for more than year, and has the sweet, soft, melted heart of someone who hates himself everyday. He reminds me of my dad.

If So, We Might Be Cousins

Last night my friend told me a story about how one of her cousins in Germany found her on Facebook, thusly renewing my belief that it is Facebook through which I will find my biological mother again.

I’ve trolled Facebook in the past, using her name or my half sister’s name, but to no avail. Today, though, I trolled Facebook using the names of my biological aunts and uncles, as well as cousins’ names that I lifted from a letter my biological grandmother wrote me in 1995.

I found a number of people of interest. A man with the name of one of my uncles living in Hawaii, which is a place I know this man lived, but no picture. Another man, with the name of his son. I have a picture of this cousin on a beach with his little brother when they were 12 and 9 in 1995. They are both Asian or Filipino, and the young man, who has a picture up, is also Asian, and is living in Rhode Island, where my mother’s biological family is originally from. And then, a woman, with my biological mother’s name, and a network in Guam, piquing my interest because my biological mother was in the army for a number of years and the US has a base there.

The picture this woman has on Facebook is definitely not my biological mother, though. It looks like it might be of a celebrity; Anybody know who this is?

And finally, all three of these people are all friends on Facebook.

The possible biological mother is friends with someone who has the family name, whose first name I don’t recognize and being in the family. This is his picture on Facebook; Do you know this soccer team?

I sent each of them a message that goes a little something like this:

Hey ________ ,

Im looking for some family and Im writing to ask if you have a brother named S, aunts named S and S and an uncle name R. If so, we might be cousins!

If not sorry for the extraneous email and I hope youre having a nice holiday season.

Signed,

Mrs. Basement
I also went a little ape-shit and messaged 10-20 friends of theirs saying something to the effect of, “I see you are friends with so and so. Im trying to get in touch with so and so because they are a member of my family and help me out.” Facebook finally flashed up a warning telling me that I was being annoying and if I didn’t “slow down” they would disable my account.

Oopsie.

The short version of how we got here is that my father was in jail in 1977 and my biological mother put me in foster care when I was 10 months old. My dad got out of jail and got legal custody of me in 1979. I exchanged letters, pictures and phone calls with my biological mother three times between 1990 and 1998. We made plans to meet twice in 1995, but she canceled both times. In 1998, I called a number that I had for her and the person who answered hung up when I said who I was.

And that’s that.