Weren’t We Brave

February 21, 2011

Wedding Wish by Eric Kolvig

“Here is my wish for you in your marriage:

May you take refuge in each other as a strong sangha of two.

Elie Wiesel, Nobel Laureate, wrote: “If to be free is the most important goal of all, to help someone to be or become free must be the most sublime and rewarding of human endeavors.”

I wish you deep, sustaining love for each other, but as rare as authentic love is, helping someone to be or become free is even rarer.

If you make such mutual help the organizing principle of your life together, then authentic love and all other goodness will flow and purify between you as a natural result. The final exam of your helping each other to be or become free is likely to be losing each other. As surely as this wedding joins you, death or estrangement will part you.

I hope that you will never take for granted that which can never be taken for granted. If you know in your hearts everyday that you will lose each other, then you can cut away attachment with the fierce courage of the fox that chews off it own leg to free itself from the trap.

If you know for certain this approaching loss, perhaps every day you can thank each other for the invaluable gift of that day together. Perhaps this knowing will help you live gratefully and urgently together in the present moment. And perhaps dwelling deeply in the present will even allow you to see that separation is only an illusion, that no loss is possible and that you are bringing eachother home.”

Lauren, I love you.

Unprotected

February 21, 2011

My wife, Lauren, left me.

While Lauren was falling in love with this other woman, she began violating more and more boundaries. I slowly became angrier and angrier as I tried to control their relationship, adjust and accomodate. I did and said terrible things. I got drunk, name called, hit, lied, fucked the other woman’s girlfriend and lied about it.

One day,  Lauren said she was going out for a few hours. She called that evening to say she was moving out. She left two days later for a four day vacation with the other woman and when she got back she said our marriage was over. She refused to talk to me about it. She refused counseling. She said she never would’ve forgiven herself is she had stayed with me. She said it was an act of self preservation. From beginning to end, it took 8 weeks for our marriage to unravel. Lauren lives with her new girlfriend now and they talk about getting married and having children.

Tonight was a hard night at work. A man overdosed on beer and asprin, then slashed himself 20 times with a scalpel. I think that’s why I’m finally writing now. I feel a little torn open by the experience. I also told another friend the story tonight for the first time. I feel a strange alienation from my friends and family when I talk about it. Like, why aren’t they crying? Why are they so calm? Am I the only one spending my nights sobbing and screaming into the mattress? The answer, of course, is yes. My friends get off the phone with me and kiss their fiances, snuggle their children, go make dinner. I am totally alone with this.

This blog is done. I dont have to hide from her family anymore, so I dont need to be anonymous, but Lauren reads it, so how could I possibly keep it? I picture her new girlfriend reading this entry over Lauren’s shoulder. I imagine she has already showed her family. Part of me wants to seal myself off from Lauren to punish her for throwing our marriage away like this, to protect myself from this pain, this panic. Part of me wants to write to her through this one way glass dilligently, I am so desperate to feel some connection to her, to imagine the wholeness I felt when she used to read these entries and come home and tell me how much she loved reading what I wrote, how it helped her understand me, how she thinks I am funny and smart. That part is most alive around 4AM. Its a sad and pathetic part.

As it is, I have been ripped into dozens of pieces. I lost my wife. I am not having a baby. I do not have my best friend, my children’s mother, my lover, are all gone. It’s like a plane went down and everyone I loved was on it. Including me. I am at the part of the accident where I am running on adrenaline, unaware of the extent of it all. Soon, though, I’ll be sitting at a table with all my pieces laid out bloody in front of me trying to figure out what can be sewed back on, what I can survive without, hoping I will recognize myself in the mirror when its all over. Then, every morning, I will have to wake up and remember it again for months? Or years?

By the way, my name is Desaray.

Protected: For My Wife Only

December 27, 2010

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